A Series of Scumbag Events
by MistyxKisame
Summary: Meet the Baudelaire siblings featuring the sadistic and inventive Violet, the perverted bookworm Klaus, and the shark baby Sunny. Join the siblings on their adventures dealing with worthless adults, a scheming jerk, and their shenanigans.
1. The Tragic Beginning

This is my very first fanfic of this book series. It makes me a little sad that a lot of people have only read a bit of the book series, but not the whole series. It's a good book series. I'm not a big fan of the very last book. I mean it is good, but the ending was Mass Effect 3 bad/lame. Anyway I plan doing book 1-13 (or was it 8?). I really wish the author had written a book tying up loose ends none of his books covered (but may have hinted at). Anyway let's get this over with.

The sentences written in italics are translated Sunny sentences like in the book.

WARNING: Contains language, major OOCness, character bashing, and other things.

* * *

The three Baudelaire children were down at Briny beach doing what they were always doing. Violet, the oldest child and inventor of the family, and Sunny, the baby with teeth like a shark, were throwing rocks at the same fat bastard who went swimming everyday only to go to sleep on a floating device. Violet had her hair tied back into a ponytail, trying to figure out the best way to aim at the chubby man without waking him up. Sunny was just flinging them, trying to knock the man's sunglasses off without waking him.

Meanwhile Klaus, the bookworm of the family, was too busy chasing after girls and failing. It wasn't because of the desperation that floated off the young boy or even his age. It was all the thick smog in the air. The few girls that were on the beach was scared away by Klaus approaching them and looking like some sort of wacko out to attack them.

After an hour of doing so, the young preteen worked his way back over to his sisters. "You know, you two are never going to hit him. Every time you two come out here, you always miss him."

"If those damn people hadn't picked up the trash, I could have made a catapult and hit him." Violet sighed. "I support the whole clean the earth thing, but I wish they hadn't cared today or yesterday…or whatever day they picked the stuff it."

"Ahwa!" Sunny said looking for more rocks. _"Can we just look for rocks before he wakes up?"_

"No! We have to get home for lunch soon!" said Klaus just remembering that detail.

"I hope mother's making her homemade chicken cordon bleu." Violet said licking her lips at the thought.

"Ack!" said Sunny. _"It's the only thing she know how to cook that's edible."_

"I hope she didn't add more salt than necessary like last time." Klaus frowned. Beatrice Baudelaire was a nice woman, but it was amazing someone as smart as her couldn't cook the simplest thing which was why the children preferred their father's cooking.

Suddenly Violet noticed a distant shadow walking towards them. "Someone's coming this way."

"Doesn't look like mom or dad." Klaus observed as he adjusted his glasses.

"Afo!" Sunny. _"Looks a bit thick to me."_

Violet look down and saw a glass bottle nearby. She quickly picked it up and broke it on the rock next to her. "Whoever he is, I'll cut him if he comes too close!"

"I'll kick sand in his eyes." Klaus said.

"Ba!" said the youngest child. _"I'll bite him!"_

Once the man got closer, they saw it was Mr. Poe. They knew the banker from when Poe was invited over. He managed their money and were friends with their parents. What he was doing on the beach dressed in a business suit was beyond them.

"Good morning, children." said the banker after coughing into his handkerchief.

"Uh hello." said Violet making sure to hide the glass bottle behind her back.

"Did you want something?" asked Klaus.

"Yes." He said sadly. "I'm afraid I have to give you children some bad news."

"What?" asked Violet.

What happened next caused the three children to stare at each other in horror. Not only had their parents died, but they had also lost their mansion takes to the fire that consumed it and their parents. Violet felt violent anger building up inside her and so did the other two children. Poe was luckily they didn't attack him on the spot to take the anger out on him.

"You're lying!" said Klaus hoping that the banker was playing some sort of cruel joke on the three siblings.

"I'm very sorry children. It must be very hard on you three I feel." He said after coughing. "If you like, you may collect anything that may have survived the fire before we place you with one of your relatives."

"Relatives?" Violet and her siblings looked at each other as if Poe was speaking a completely different language. Their parents had never really mentioned any relatives before. Maybe in passing they may have, but none of which the three could name.

"Yes. You will be living with relatives as said in your parents' will. You will live with them until Violet is 18 years old."

"But that's years from now! I don't wanna live with some stranger!" Violet said angrily.

"It's only 4 years from now, Violet." reassured Poe. "Besides, I'm sure your new guardian will be as kind and loving as your own parents were."

The three children pouted. Not only had they lost their home and parents, but now they had to live with some stranger, even if they were a relative of theirs. If only Violet was a bit older, they wouldn't have to deal with such a thing for too long. What would their new guardian be like anyway and why hadn't their parents introduced them to any relatives that wanted to take them in?

Once the four got to the mansion, the place had completely burned to the ground with only the chimney remaining, but only barely. They found a couple of things on the lot, but they were nothing they wanted. Sunny found that damn rattle she hated so much that her mother thought she would like. The baby had kept tossing it or hiding it in hopes that her mother wouldn't find it. EVER. However she kept on and Sunny kept hiding it. Sunny was not sad that it was halfway burned up.

Klaus found half of his favorite books had burned up and his favorite playboy magazines had burned up too…well except five he had buried in the back yard. Violet had found that her collection of playgirl and collection of dildos had also burned up too. She sighed. She had planned on doing like Klaus and burying her favorite dildos somewhere, but she didn't get around to it. As she looked around where her room used to be, she found nothing left of her sex toys except anal beads disguised as a necklace. They were her least favorite, but they were something. It was better than nothing at all. Perhaps she could purchase a few more dildos when they were with their new guardian.

The three siblings had to live with Poe's family, much to the children's disappointment. Violet hated how she couldn't get laid in that damn house. Both boys were little mama's boys and whiny brats. They were fat, messy, and always arguing. Sure the Baudelaire children often argued and fought, but these assholes whined about every single thing and begged to be petted and coddled.

After about a week of living with the Poes, Violet snapped and beat the shit out of Poe's oldest child after he went too far. Violet was in her temporary room reading a book Sunny had been nagging her oldest sister about when Allen walked into the room.

Violet raised a brow at the oldest Poe child, but just as quickly as she noticed him was the same bit of quickness she went back to reading to her baby sister. She felt him sit on the bed beside her and then start randomly moving on the bed. Annoyed Sunny told Violet to tell him to stop moving around so much.

"Hey, could you stop moving?!" Violet snapped at him.

"You're pretty, ya know." Allen said sitting back beside Violet.

"Huh?" Violet blushed. Sunny rolled her eyes. Give Violet a simple compliment and she forgets about almost everything and will do almost anything.

"Yeah, you're really pretty and your hair is so…uh…nice and shiny. It smells like…" here he sniffed Violet's hair and moved her hair away from her face. "…magnolia flowers and the ocean."

"Oh thank you." She blushed, giggling like a little school girl. He placed his hand her lap and came closer to her face. Sunny winced at the look they were giving each other: LUST. Deciding to get the fuck out before she witnessed something that would scar her for life, she hoped off the bed, crawled off, taking the book with her, and closed the door. Maybe her brother or Mrs. Poe would read to her.

Things ended up going badly. Violet had stripped her dress off in seconds. Allen looked at her amazed and a little nervous. 'She must have done this before.'

'What a whore!' Klaus thought as he was filming this.

"Come on. Take it off!" Violet was getting impatient for him to take off her bra and panties. He was just drooling like a bulldog. After he wouldn't move, she slapped him, put back on her dress, and tried leaving when Allen grabbed her.

"Hey come back here!"

"No! You took too long!" She tried snatching away her wrist.

"I…said…come…BACK HERE!" He tried grabbing her and pulling her back. Violet beat the crap out of the Poe's kid before running off.

A few hours later, Mrs. Poe called the children downstairs for dinner. As they were eating, Mrs. Poe noticed that Allen had gotten his ass whooped. "Allen! What on earth happened to you?!"

"I…uh…" His eyes met Violet who glared at him. He quickly looked down at his dinner. "I fell down the stairs."

"Dear you really ought to be careful." Violet smirked a little. The little idiot was too afraid that Edgar was going to tease him for getting his butt beat by a girl.

After a few minutes of eating, Poe announced an update about their new guardian. "Good news children. Your paper work has been filled out and you all will be able to move into your new home in 2 days."

"YES!" The Baudelaire children said in unison. When they realized what they had said, the oldest 2 cleared their throats.

"I mean oh noooo. We really loved staying here."

"I fucking didn't." Klaus mumbled. Violet kicked him under the table. "I mean oh boohoo! Sob sob and shit."

"Not to worry children. Your new guardian checks out as okay and even has a successful career in acting. I'm sure you children will have a happy life there."

The children could only hope that was the case. Hopefully the new guardian would be just as nice as their parents and they would truly have a good life there. However since they had never met any relative before, they had no idea what they were getting into.


	2. Meeting Olaf

NintendoNoir- Thanks!

Guest- Thank you!

NotLemonySnicket- Sorry it took so soon.

Goddess of Blue Food- lol

Fangirl- So do I.

VicefulxValentine- I will.

kaylathegreat559- And it'll be the last time she will...OR IS IT!?

Anonymous Foxy- Thanks. :D

* * *

It's been a while, but I'm back with another chapter. I'll be updating this more than ever this year.

* * *

The kids pulled up outside of Olaf's house and immediately the kids were filled with disgust. Although their new neighbor's home was in a very clean and well kept area filled with a beautiful home and yard, Olaf's was the ugliest. The grass looked dry as the Sahara, there were glass bottles and other pieces of trash in the yard, and the bricks that made up the house were covered in grime and soot. The house only had two windows on it as well which was weird. Who had had such a large home with only two windows? The door had paint peeling off of it and the rest of the color was badly faded. It had an eye carved into the upper part of the door. Behind the house was a tower that was so crooked one wondered how on earth it stayed up.

"Uh are you _sure_ you have the right address?" Violet asked Poe as they stood outside of the yard. The children hoped not. The house they lived in didn't have to be lavish or even be that large. It just had to be habitable. The homeowner, just by looking at the place, didn't seem to like caring for his yard and it was possible the inside was dirty as well. Speaking of the person, who was their guardian anyways? Poe had told them a little bit about the man, but it wasn't a good enough picture to tell what he was like. Maybe he was so busy acting that he neglected his home so they couldn't go off the house alone. Hopefully the inside was far better.

"I'm sure...I think..." Poe didn't seem to know himself. "I'd better make sure I have the right address."

They went over to the next door neighbor's home which was far prettier than their future guardian's home. The bricks had been cleaned very well, and through the wide and open windows one could see an assortment of well-groomed plants. Standing in the doorway, with her hand on the shiny brass doorknob, was an older woman, smartly dressed, who was smiling at the children. In one hand she carried a flowerpot and the other hand held a watering can.

"Oh hello!" She smiled warmly at the children. "You must be the children Count Olaf is adopting!"

Violet nodded. "Yes. My name is Violet and this is my brother Klaus and our sister Sunny. That's Mr. Poe. He's been arranging things for us ever since our parents died."

"I heard about that. I'm sorry to hear that happened. I'm Justice Strauss."

"Your first name is Justice?" That was a pretty stupid fucking name. Then again he couldn't talk. His name was Klaus. He was lucky nobody called him Santa. Hopefully nobody would when he got old.

"Oh no no," She shook her head. "That's my title. I'm a judge in the High Court."

"Cool!" said Violet. She hadn't met a judge before. "Are you and Count Olaf friends?"

As much as the kids were eager to find out more about the man through his neighbor, the woman admitted they hardly knew each other. "We just live beside each other."

"In that house there?" Violet pointed to Olaf's nasty house. When she nodded the kids fought back a loud groan while Sunny just said oh.

"Well I better get back to my gardening," she said gesturing to her flowerpot. "Maybe one day you kids can come over and help out."

"That would be nice," said Violet. It would be. Justice Strauss had such a lovely yard and home while the three had to live in that thing that barely resembled one. Was it even livable for the three of them? They hoped the "Don't judge a book by its cover" saying was right and the house looked much better on the inside.

The four headed over to Olaf's home and the oldest Baudelaire knocked on the door. A few seconds later, a tall, thin man with a unibrow, shiny eyes, an unshaven face, and had on a dirty suit. What disturbed the children the most was the evil, shit eating grin that spread across his face as he looked over each one of them. "Hello there. You must be the children. Violet, Klaus, and little Sunny."

When he said Sunny's name, he pinched her cheek. Sunny hated when people did that and she sure as hell didn't like this fucker doing it. His fingers felt grimy and they smelled funny. If he did that again, she was going to bite his fingers off. "Please step into your new home, and wipe your feet outside so no mud gets indoors."

Once they all stepped into the house, they found what he said to be absolute bullshit. The house was beyond dirty and any mud that would have been brought in wouldn't have made a difference. The floor looked like it hadn't moped in years, rotten apple cores were in a bowl on the table, and there was the most raggedy lion head hanging on the wall. Mr. Poe complimented the place by saying how wonderful it was causing the children to look at him in disbelief. Surely he could see how much of a dump this place was! The place looked like a health hazard!

"It is, but it could use a bit more polishing," sighed the count.

"Flickle!" shouted Sunny. " _This house is fucking nasty!"_

"Polishing isn't the word," mumbled the oldest child. This house would be better off being blown up and be completely replaced. How could this man stand leaving in this filthy house?

"With the children's fortune, maybe..." He began.

"Oh no no no!" coughed the banker into his handkerchief. "That is not to be touched until Violet is 18."

Count Olaf's smile dropped faster than your dad's pants on his wedding night. "Excuse me?"

"The children's parents' will states that Violet gets the fortune when she turns 18," He explained before going back into a fit of coughing. He really needed to see a doctor about all that coughing. (1) "Maybe once she turns of age, she'll give you some as thanks for caring for her and her siblings."

"No," Violet said flatly. No way was she giving this filthy creature a pinch of her money. If he was a count and such a grand actor like Poe said, surely he could get someone to clean his filthy home.

Olaf looked as if he wanted to slap Poe across the face and possibly beat the crap out of him. He then slowly let his lips curl back into a smile. "How wonderful for the children then. I would hate for the money to be misused in any kind of way."

"Of course," Poe looked down at his pocket watch. "Well I must be off. Banking business and whatnot. Please, children, come get the rest of your things before I see you off."

Once the children begrudgingly grabbed their things and took them into the house, Poe told them good-bye. However the children were anything but ready to go.

"Please don't leave us!" said Klaus. "We don't wanna go!"

"No goo-ba!" whined Sunny as she reached out for the banker. _"Don't leave us!"_

Poe started to feel bad for leaving them now. The poor things had gotten attached to him! If he could, he'd adopt them. Sadly their parents already had people in mind for whom the children had to go to. He gave them all tearful, heartfelt hugs before seeing them all off. He promised to visit and occasionally call to check up on them, but that wasn't good enough. They'd much rather be with the Poes!

After watching the car drive away, they went into the house to put away their things. Much to their horror, their bedroom was on top floor and they shared an old, dusty bed. They couldn't share a bed together and not this old dusty thing. A few springs were already popping out of the sides and the cover looked as if it had just been dragged out of the basement after it had been sitting in there for a few centuries. There wasn't even a crib for Sunny so one of her siblings wouldn't roll on top of her.

"After you three get settled in, get in the kitchen so you can cook dinner," said Olaf before shutting the door.

"What?" Klaus turned to his oldet sister. "Did he just say **_we_ ** have to cool?"

"Yeah," Violet frowned. One would think their new caretaker would cook for them not the other way around. "Next thing you know, he'll want us to clean up this dirty ass house."

"Noba!" scowled Sunny. _"I bet this fool doesn't bathe!"_

"Me too!" agreed Klaus. "I bet his breath is hot and smells like ass cheeks too!"

"Let's just get this over with," said Violet as she began putting away her clothes in one drawer. "Maybe he's tired or something."

"He better cook for us next time!"

After putting away their things, they went downstairs and boy are they in for a surprise.

* * *

(1) Poe coughs a lot in the books. I don't remember if they ever stated what was wrong with him, but I know it never gets fixed. Then again I'd rather have someone who coughs a lot than someone whose a dumbass and doesn't listen to a word I say.


End file.
